I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
