I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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