his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
