highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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