Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
