I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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