I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
