I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
