i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
People in love make me want to vomit
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
