Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
