I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
