You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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