the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
