Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
