I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i will never coherently bang her
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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