Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
