You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Someone signed my nipple.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
