Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
