What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Randomize
