i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
