Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I think I am morally bankrupt
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
