I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
