I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
