You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
