and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
