Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
