the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
