You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We left an ass print on the piano.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
