I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
