i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
