I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
