I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
