And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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