Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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