Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
