Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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