this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
