She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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