god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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