We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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