so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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