I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
