It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
