I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize