Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
