it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
