i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
