You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
