it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
