Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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