I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
