he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
