I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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