That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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