so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
