I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
