if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
