I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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